I’m behind.
Those two words are really endemic of my life, sometimes. I know why. Everyone else does too. It’s another episode of ADHD and the writer’s life.
I can look at all the things I’ve been doing and managing, but when it comes down to it, I’m still behind. I don’t have a batch of blog entries to post. I’m behind on the next episode of Fire in the Mountains. I have a list of things that need to get done around the house, all of which are in various states of completion, but the house is still a mess and things aren’t done.
I can look at what I have accomplished and acknowledge that there’s a lot going on, but I also need to acknowledge and accept that this is part of ADHD life. I will be behind in some areas FOREVER, and that’s OK. The main goal should be progress. And, I am progressing, I guess.
I do have most of episode 16 written, and it’s getting longer because I haven’t reached the main part of the entry. (There will be kissing for those who follow along.) And, I’ve been working with Boychild on his main project for his homeschool partnership courses, along with keeping him on task for his regular classwork. As the one at home, I keep track of food, appointments, and the extraneous “What needs to be done” jobs around the house.
I try to incorporate many of the tips and tricks for ADHD survival into our lives, especially since this is something Boychild is going to have to deal with as he grows. And, I need to reiterate, as much to myself as I do to him, that ADHD brains do not work the way neurotypical brains do. That guilt that I struggle with is an effect of that. I am not a failure as a writer, a wife, a mother, or a person, just because my brain has gone off the rails. It’s not my fault, but it is my responsibility.
I think if I can impress that on Boychild as he grows, he won’t have some of the perfectionism or anxiety that I have. And learning how to handle the emotional impulsivity of ADHD along with the mental impulsivity can only be beneficial as well. I guess I want for him what every parent should want for their children. I want him to be better than me. I want him to have a better understanding of how his brain works, so he can ameliorate the bad things and enhance the good ones.
And I feel the best way to do that is by continuing to point out where the pitfalls are and praise him for the heights he can reach.
Of course, recognizing all of that does nothing for the fact that…
I’m still behind.
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